FREEDOM -Changing what it means to me

One of the most complex parts of motherhood so far is the change in my lifestyle, or the difference in my freedom, for lack of better words; okay, I should give myself a little leeway. My postpartum period has been during covid, which has been a whole adjustment.

Without a horrifying global pandemic, motherhood is hard enough but add to it lockdown, isolation and restricted movement; it was hell for me.

I don't think I appreciated it before I had a baby. How much of a free bird I was. I literally was someone who went with the wind in a highly fluid manner. It makes sense. I spent 10 years modelling and travelling worldwide to some of the most beautiful locations. And as much as at the time I grumbled a bit, I've actually come to understand I really quite liked living out of a suitcase. I liked the change from week to week. I liked the lack of inhibition. I fundamentally loved the ability to determine my schedule without much thought.

If I wanted to get up and go to a different country, I would. If I wanted to take a quick trip, I would do it. The unfortunate thing about motherhood is that you now need to think of someone else when you want to do something. It sounds selfish, and most mothers' don't like to admit it, but I know most mothers feel this way. A specific restriction comes into your life when you become a mum, and you have to factor little ones into your life.

If you're anything like me (a 'free independent spirit bird' as my husband calls it), the change can be tricky, and it was for me. I think it's one of the elements that really amplified my postpartum depression, especially in the second lockdown, because I found it hard to breathe. I couldn't leave my home entirely, and I couldn't escape or put a pause button on what felt like shackles, quite literally bonds. I felt like I was drowning.

I've finished my therapy now, and I feel much better. I feel grateful that I've been able to be honest about how I think. I feel thankful that my support network around me has not judged me or made me feel like a bad mum for expressing how I feel. I feel grateful that I've had the time and the resources to figure out what I'm feeling and understand that this is a new chapter in my life. Freedom can mean different things depending on the season you're in.

Before I became a mum, freedom meant physical freedom - the freedom to move around as I pleased without a thought in the world; However, there were other freedoms that I had that I took for granted. And this season, I miss them, but I understand they were good for then. I need something good for now.

I guess I'm trying to say that in this postpartum period, I'm on the journey of redefining freedom for myself; what does space look like for Phil here and now, fill the model, fill the woman, fill the mum, fill, the many things.

I feel a sense of control. I've been able to redefine my life and put things in place that allow me to feel freer. Doing the things I enjoy more makes me feel less restricted because I've realised I can define motherhood on my own terms.

I realised through therapy that some of my perceived lack of freedom was because I thought I would be judged if I lived my life the way I wanted to. I thought I wasn't doing motherhood as it should have been. I put myself in a cage and felt trapped by my expectations. I felt like I couldn't fly. It's a big thing for somebody like me who suffers from anxiety. The more you feel a loss of control, the worse things can get, and they can quickly spiral into something honestly quite terrifying.

These days, I've learnt to remove the barriers of shame and judgement, and now if I want to do something, I do it. I'm living my life the way I want to, and for the first time in a long time, I actually feel more myself than I have ever done in my life. I'm dealing with all the different cages that I've put around myself and that society has put around me, and I'm breaking them down one by one.

I'm still on this journey to understand what true freedom means and what it looks and feels like, but I know I am in a much better place than last year. I am so excited for what's to come.

This isn't only an issue for new mums. It's an issue for women as we move through different life periods, constantly being boxed in, defined and categorised. How have you navigated through changes? How have you released the things that make you feel like you can't be free? I would love to know. Leave a comment below.