SEXY? … WHAT’s THAT?

Sexy? … what is that? I'm sure many of you already know or have some idea. It feels like the media is constantly defining it to us. So superficially, we may understand what it means, but what does it mean for us, personally? It's one of those questions I used to get asked a lot in interviews… What is beauty? What is confidence? What is sexy?

The first two have always been easy for me, I may not have always lived by my answers, but deep down, I understand beauty and confidence. I'm gentle on myself; after all, practising what you preach is a feat many of us have not mastered.

You know what, I don't think I really even know what sexy is. Some say it's a feeling or a vibration you exude. If you listen to the socials, it's what you wear and how you look. I think I can identify 'sexy', but I don't really understand it. 

It's perhaps why I've never considered myself sexy. Beautiful … sure but sexy, Phil? No way! And it's been a career-long struggle. I mean, I would try; buying lingerie, changing my hair, learning the poses, the walk, but I could never quite get it right. I think it was because I was trying to do all these things that weren't quite me. I looked for all the external social validators of sexy when I should have looked within. I would have understood this earlier if I had learned to look within.

The remarkable thing about pregnancy is that your body isn't your own, and it can often feel like you're looking at a reflection of someone who isn't you. Even though I was filled with anxiety and dread about many things, the one thing I almost always stayed in awe of was my ever-changing body and what it could do. 

Being pregnant was surprisingly one of the things that really improved my sense of body confidence. Hear me out, as messed up as it sounds, once I had 'permission to be fat', I was, in my moments of clarity, fully able to just be, without the weight of disordered eating or body dysmorphia. Imagine eating and not caring what someone thinks of you in a restaurant?, something so simple but incredibly liberating … anyway, I digress.

What I'm trying to say is, it took pregnancy for me to feel sexy … That even sounds strange saying it out loud. You generally hear of women feeling unhappy with their bodies and the pace of change, but it was the opposite for me. It definitely didn't cure my body image issues - the minute the fourth trimester wore off, all the insecurities came back, but they came back lighter. I spent the entire pregnancy not caring, so now, I don't care as much or as often. It's like I just feel free.

I think I know what it means to be sexy now, to be sensual. At the moment, for me, it means to be free. Free and comfortable in the body you have, with or without adornments. For me, there is sexiness in my appreciation of my body. And because I'm no longer hiding, my confidence has increased, and my stance has changed. I'm walking noticeably with my head held high, shoulders back, a confident strut … that's sexy!