My Body has changed, now what?
Guys, I have been fighting. I have really been battling my body. Somedays, I look in the mirror and don't understand what I'm looking at. I feel so alien. In month seven of pregnancy, I felt alive after finally getting through hyperemesis gravidarum (HG). I felt appreciative of a body that was performing a miracle we so often take for granted. Even after a crazy delivery, I still felt proud that my body had carried me through. Fast forward one-year post partum, and I think the post-baby euphoria has completely worn off.
Now I stand here, 18 months later, staring in the mirror at a body I don't recognise, and I can't seem to find my way back to me.
This piece is reflective; that is to say, today I'm ok. I've come fully round, and I'm in complete acceptance of this new body. I'm allowed to call it a new body; after all it is new, it's new to me. I've had to learn what it likes, new allergies and intolerances, and what it can and can't do—new marks, new scars, new highs and new lows ... all of it.
It's been a harrowing journey to get here. Somedays, it has felt impossible, and my almost constant self-hate demons try to rear their ugly heads. The intrusive thoughts then begin... Maybe if I don't eat for a week?, perhaps if I have this surgery or this procedure?, .... endless, mindless scrolling through social media fantasizing about the body I want and thinking of how to get there, quickly at whatever cost ... dreading waking up in the same body. It can get really dark quickly. My diary sometimes reads like a horror movie.
Today feels different, so I needed to put my words to paper. If I've found the light, then you can too. As I always say, there is power in sharing stories and journeys, and we can all learn from each other. When I think back to what I did to help change how I view myself and accept who I am now, I think it was a combination of different things.
Therapy
My most considerable help was therapy. During my CBT sessions for anxiety, the topic of body dysmorphia came up repeatedly. Almost all my fears came from a low sense of self; low self-esteem with particular regard to my body. Unfortunately, my NHS therapy didn't cover this, so I sought help privately for issues with self-esteem and body dysmorphia. Being able to discuss freely and openly how I felt about myself without condemnation felt like a massive weight off my shoulders. Only by uncovering and looking at our demons honestly and brutally can we begin to heal. I had to look in the mirror and get to know the reflection I had been avoiding.
Intentional thinking
This sounds easier than it is. It's actively thinking positive thoughts about yourself. For me, it was standing in front of the mirror every day and forcing myself to say something nice about myself. Literally forcing myself to do it. Forcing myself to get used to my body and everything about it. Eventually, the things that felt terrible became normal to me, and over time, I realised they weren't so bad at all.
Create a daily feel good to-do list
To formulate the habits that helped me change my mindset, my diary became my very best friend. I noted everything that made me feel positive about myself and made a checklist. A feel-good to-do list: a list of daily things that made me feel good: dance in the mirror naked to a favorite song, do a grow with jo session to my playlist (even if it was just 10 mins), moisturize my face (sounds silly, but you don't understand how hard it is to do even your basic things when you're in the throes of depression), watch a film or make an enjoyable meal. I created the day I wanted and ticked everything off day by day. It's a method that worked for me.
Selling my old clothes.
I sold all my clothes that didn't fit and used the money to buy new clothes that fit me and made me feel good.
Cleaning up my social media
I muted all accounts I couldn't unfollow (unfollowing can be so political sometimes) and started following accounts that spoke to me. I also deactivated when I needed to, and I no longer stress myself about posting or following trends, which can be particularly difficult when it's part of your job. Still, it was a sacrifice I needed to make.
I hope these actions can help you if you're where I was, and if you've been through it, I would love to hear how you made it through.
Power in Sharing,
Phil x
